


Lux

by mulderbaby



Series: Fictober 2020 [18]
Category: The X-Files
Genre: Dana Scully Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s01e14 Gender Bender, F/M, Friendship, Hurt Dana Scully, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:08:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27336931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mulderbaby/pseuds/mulderbaby
Summary: Fictober Day 26Prompt: “And neither should you.”
Relationships: Ethan Minette/Dana Scully, Fox Mulder & Dana Scully, Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Series: Fictober 2020 [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1980989
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	Lux

She sits on top of the covers of her motel bed, legs criss-crossed as she gazes deeply into the abyss. The abyss, of course, being her unfamiliar surroundings. This motel she's never been to before and will probably never come back to again. 

She wears a large t-shirt, stolen some time ago from Mulder's suitcase, along with a baggy pair of sweats and cozy socks to keep her feet warm in the chilly Steveston weather. Even if it weren't 37 degrees outside, however, she would still feel just as cold as she does now. 

She hasn't cried, really cried over the loss of her father yet, and honestly, she doesn't plan to. But his passing has certainly struck a chord in her emotionally. She feels as though she is a walking contradiction. She has put up a front, an emotional barrier from those around her, but somehow, she feels more vulnerable than ever. She is emotionless, yet she feels as though she has become a hostage to her heart, which is ridden with loneliness, guilt, fear, among other things. 

This case they'd been working on had come up almost immediately following their most recent one. Thus, she’d been given little to no time to process her tragic loss, and it was certainly taking its toll on her emotionally. As much as she hates to admit it, she is scared. Scared of herself, scared of the world, scared that she has nowhere to turn in the face of all its wickedness.

Well, almost nowhere.

She eyes the door adjoining her room with Mulder's room, contemplating the kind words he'd spoken to her when her father passed away, the way he'd cupped her cheek so gently in his hand, calling her by her first name, sending shivers coursing throughout her body. She was in awe of how the simplest touch could elicit such an overwhelming response in her. 

Looking at the door, her mind briefly wanders back to Ethan, and the way he had been making her feel through all of this. He wasn't nearly as concerned as Mulder was, and there was a time when she would've appreciated that. Now, though, she is in desperate need of comfort, of closeness to someone on both a physical and emotional level. 

When she first received the news of her father's passing, she'd called Ethan twice, in hopes that he would come over and stay with her, but she’d been sent to voicemail both times. And so she'd curled up in her bed all alone that night, plagued by emptiness, the same emptiness that she would feel even when Ethan did agree to come over the next two nights. 

She is the type who, though she'd be the last to admit it, loves to be held. She liked having someone to run their fingers through her hair and mumble sweet nothings to her until she fell asleep. She'd been trying so hard to get Ethan to be that someone, but he would refuse time after time, insisting that he wasn't the 'cuddling type'.

And so the last several nights had all been cold for her. The difference is that tonight, she doesn't know if she can handle it again. 

Mulder wouldn't mind, would he? She muses silently to herself, rubbing her thumb over the ring Ethan had gifted her, before removing it and setting it on the nightstand. 

If she were to go in there and seek her partner's comfort, Ethan would have no way of knowing, would he? Besides, it's just for tonight. After all, she'd called Ethan when they returned from their visit to the Kindred, needing someone to talk to in the aftermath of her ordeal, and he had seemed all but interested in being that someone for her. 

She isn’t entirely sure how Mulder will react to her coming to him at an hour like this, but what she is certain of, is that she is a woman who knows what she needs. Tonight, she needs a shoulder to lean on. Someone who won’t judge her for the way she feels, but instead will listen intently to her when she speaks of the darkness that haunts her. Someone like Mulder. 

She slips out of bed carefully, shuffling over to knock on the adjoining door, saying a silent prayer that Mulder would be awake.

"Yeah, it's open."

She pushes the door open slowly before entering quietly, unaware of the fact that her entire body is trembling. That is, until Mulder bolts upright from where he had been laying, worry written all over his face. 

"Scully, you're shakin'." He sighs, throwing the sheet off of him and making his way over to her, just in his black sweatpants. "Do you feel okay?" He murmurs, pressing the back of his hand to her forehead, feeling for a fever before repeating the same motion with each of the sides of her face. 

"I.." she starts softly, her voice quivering as Mulder rubs her arms gently up and down in an attempt to warm her up. 

There is so much she wants to say to him, but in this moment, she just doesn’t know how to say any of it. She longs to pour her heart out to him about how much she misses Ahab, how uneasy she feels as a result of her encounter with Brother Andrew. She wants to ask him how the world and some of the people in it can be so cruel. All these thoughts she has been bottling up for so long, now demanding liberation. Questions she knows they may very well never know the answers to. She has so much to say, but the words she searches for seem lightyears away.

"I think I'm scared, Mulder.." she looks up at him helplessly, her eyes full of tears that make his heart ache. 

"You're allowed to be." He says reassuringly, tucking a stray hair behind her ear and giving her a sad smile. 

"Mulder?"

"Mhm?"

"Would it be alright if I stayed in here?" She asks with a hint of nervousness in her voice, but Mulder just smiles at her. 

"Of course. I'll take the pullout couch." He says, but before he can move to get it ready, she is tugging at his wrist, pulling him back to her. "Scully?" He murmurs, a mix of curiosity and concern in his voice.

She says nothing, only motions in the direction of his bed before looking back up at him, her lips forming a slight pout as she takes one of his hands in both of her own, fumbling with his fingers.

He swallows nervously at her request, not wanting to do anything that would interfere with her relationship with Ethan, while simultaneously wanting nothing more than to be able to give her whatever comfort she needed. The last week had been absolute hell for her, and if he could offer her a moment of tranquility in the midst of it all, he would do so in a heartbeat.

"Okay." He mumbles, leaning in to kiss her forehead gently, and it is as if she melts into his touch, her tears now flowing freely down her cheeks. He lifts the covers for her to climb in first before taking the other side, fluffing the pillow before rolling over to face her. She still seems rather shaky, so he pulls the blankets all the way up over her, giving her a little smile, but it doesn't seem to calm her down in the slightest. "Talk to me, Scully.." he murmurs, scooting a little closer, but still not close enough for her liking. 

"Can you hold me?"

He's shocked by her request, there's no denying that. His brow furrows in concern and he watches as she takes a deep breath, using every last ounce of strength she has to try and collect herself before mustering up a “please” that tugs at his heartstrings. The hesitation he'd felt before, merely out of respect for her relationship, was now long gone. Tonight, she needs him, and he will be there for her. 

"C'mere." He murmurs, pulling her small form closer to his larger one, letting her make herself comfortable in his embrace. She clings to him so tightly, his Scully, as though he is all she has.If that’s true, he can’t wait to get his hands on that son-of-a-bitch boyfriend of hers. Her slender arms are secure around his middle, one leg nudging between his own as she buries her face in the crook of his neck, allowing her to cry quietly. 

And so he just holds her, combing his fingers gently through the back of her auburn hair and occasionally lowering his hand to scratch her back soothingly. He holds her this way until her shaking and her tears begin to subside, hushing her with feather light kisses to her forehead and her hair as her nails dig into his back. Eventually, she shifts slightly, sniffling as she tilts her head up to meet his eyes. 

"Is this okay?" She asks hesitantly and his forehead creases with confusion. 

"What do you mean?" He murmurs his response into her hair making her sigh happily at the way his breath tickles her scalp.

"This." She says softly. "You don't mind?" 

He gives her a tender look, realizing what she means before brushing a few tears from her cheeks. 

"Not one bit." 

The lack of hesitation in his response makes her heart swell and she gives him a grateful smile. 

"Thank you, Mulder." She mumbles against his shoulder as she lays her head back down, pressing a soft kiss to his collarbone, the closest thing she could reach.

"We could've gone home tonight, if you didn't want to be alone." He tells her, slipping an arm fully around her tiny waist. She looks up at him with a puzzled expression. "I'm sure Ethan worries about you."

She almost laughs at this and it catches Mulder way off guard. "What, Scully?" He hums inquisitively and she gives him a regretful smile, shaking her head. 

"Ethan's just.. he's busy."

Mulder's skin crawls at the implications of her words. How could someone fortunate enough to have a woman like Dana Scully in his life have the nerve to make her feel as though she were anything less than a priority? 

"S'not an excuse, you know?" He murmurs, tracing shapes against her back through the fabric of her shirt, smiling a bit to himself as he realizes it belongs to him. "If he loves you, he'll never be too busy."

His words make her shudder and she holds him closer, blinking back tears. It wasn't as though she'd never thought about the way Ethan tended to neglect her when she needed him most, she just preferred not to harp on those negative aspects of her relationship. 

"Can I tell you something?" She asks quietly, her fingertips tracing his abdominal muscles. 

"Anything, Scully." 

"Ethan doesn't hold me like this. When I'm upset or scared or whatever. Says he's not ‘into that.’" 

Mulder gulps at the break in her voice, a wave of anger washing over him, anger directed solely at this guy, Ethan, and the way he treats his Scully. 

"It's been so long, Mulder.. since anybody has.." 

Both of his arms are fully around her now, holding her impossibly close, rubbing his hands up and down her back and peppering soft kisses along her hairline. He almost wants to cry, baffled by the disregard with which his Scully is being treated by this so-called lover of hers. The way he makes her feel so unimportant, makes her feel that by seeking intimacy, she is asking too much. He'd sure feel sorry for Ethan if they were to ever cross paths in this life. Really sorry.

"You're so strong, you know that?" He murmurs into her hair, pausing momentarily to gaze lovingly into her eyes, sincerity in his own. "I don't imagine you need to be told this, but you can leave his sorry ass, if you want to." She tries to suppress the giggle that threatens to escape her, pressing her face against his neck. 

"I know." She smiles sadly, running her fingertips along the length of his side, making him squirm a little, earning a real smile from her. "Do you think I should leave him, Mulder?" 

She feels him sigh, his chest moving underneath her fingers, and she looks back up at him, wanting to hear what he has to say. 

"Well, it's not really my decision to make, Scully." He says apologetically, running the pad of his thumb along her jawline. 

"I just want your opinion." She says softly and he raises his eyebrows in amusement. 

"I think you already know my opinion.." He grins at the way she smiles up at him.

"It's just hard, you know? Caring about someone who doesn't really care about you." 

His heart breaks for her and he squeezes her tight, kissing the top of her head. "I know exactly what you mean." This earns him a curious look from her. 

"Mulder?" 

"Two girls, actually." He chuckles. "First Phoebe at Oxford, then another girl a little bit later. I was totally hopeless, Scully." He laughs, and it is as though he is laughing at himself, or his past self, at least. "Turns out they were only interested in my uh.. assets." He raises a suggestive eyebrow at her, expecting her to laugh but instead she reaches up to stroke his cheek gently, giving him a sympathetic look that makes his heart melt. 

"As you can probably already tell, I'm the kinda guy who needs lots of affection. If you're affectionate with me, I'll probably love you forever. But these two.. they just didn't give a damn what I wanted.” He pauses for a moment, biting his lip before continuing. “My heart's too big, and I guess that makes it easier to break." He muses with a sad smile, watching Scully's fingers as they trail down to his chest, resting atop his heart. 

"I hope you never stop having a big heart, Mulder." She whispers. "It's what makes you who you are." She pauses to look up into his eyes which are filled with adoration. "Just because someone treats you like shit.. Mulder, you shouldn't have to feel like you're doing something wrong by wanting to be loved." 

He smiles a little at her, tilting her chin up gently. "And neither should you." 

She gives him a tearful smile and he leans in, pressing a soft kiss to the corner of her mouth. It's a quick kiss, a chaste kiss, but she's never felt anything quite like it before. Smiling to herself, she curls back up against him, humming contently as he wraps his arms protectively around her, lulling her to sleep with the sheer comfort they provide. 

They will not speak of this night for quite some time, nor will either of them mention the kiss, as there is really no need. This night they share will change very little between them, but still, it has served its purpose. 

For Mulder, this night will allow him to see Scully in a completely new light, as someone he strives to love and to protect on both a physical and emotional level. Someone who, even in her most vulnerable moments will continue to be his strength. 

And as for Scully, this night will allow her to see both herself and Mulder in a completely new light. As real people. Real people, who seek affection and intimacy in the midst of hurt. Real people, who seek the light when darkness looms like a shadow over them. 

The only thing that will change as a result of this night they share, is that when the darkness inevitably threatens again, they will never look any further than each other in their search for a guiding star.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to my lovely beta @hellsteeth


End file.
